Hello.

Yep. It's been a long hiatus again. He first semester of the school year ended and I went back home for a two week vacation. It was well spent and very worth it. There was some negative energy going on and I really missed home so I crawled back home like a little baby. I hate flights btw. No, I actually their odd timings and having to be awake and crabby all night.

So. So much happened. My beloved MZ left us for a guy. Well, she got married. And doesn't live in Iran. Life. You make soul sisters and then say goodbye to them at the airport. A3 is back! (Good ol A3 from 2 years back?) And she's probably going to stay here for good. Of course she didn't tell any one she was coming. I was at home when she came. First thing I said to her on seeing her was 'You're a freak show.'

It's actually nice to have her around. There are a few people whose role in my life is like a cushion. (I hope I play the same role in theirs.) Like when you're on a long journey on a bus and when you have a cushion with you, it makes your rough journey almost comfortable. It even makes you smile involuntarily during your nap. So there are a few people here who are my cushion. Just that they are much more than a cushion. They're my entire bed.

There was some drama going on with a few people around me. And man I hate drama. It sucks all my mental energy. Instead of listening to my teacher going on about isalate wujud in philosophy, I repeat and re run my real life drama episodes in my head. And it made me unhappy. For two whole days. Being sad and upset for two whole days for some inconsequential drama really isn't worth it. But then it is only after the storm that the sunshine is cherished. I woke up the next day happy at breakfast and realised how blessed the emotion of happiness is! It was wonderful, SubhanAllah!

Alhamdulillah life has got back to being how it was before. I'm really glad Z and M are my roomates this year. It makes a huge difference to have them there! And then there's B. B and i have been friends from about 3 years now. She's someone I feel very protective about because she's a lil innocent baby. Well not really, but still. So for now, Z, M, A3 and B are my cushions. Am I missing anyone out? Oh. Yes. GOD! Neh, I never miss out God. I just have trouble understanding God. God and I have a lot of mess to sort out.

And then, there will always be Hazrat Masoomah. I'm glad I still feel the same way about her like I used to. My heart still finds comfort and peace next to her. I love her. She's more like a mother who is a friend. Someone whom you tell everything to. But also revere so much it sometimes sends chills down your spine like I whine in front of her and the next moment I realise she's the Prophet's daughter. She's Imam Ali's and Hazrat Zahra's daughter. And then you're filled with awe. And then a tenderness. It's most indescribable, the relationship one has with her. It's like when you're best friends with the principal of your school. Lol poor comparison.

So cutting this short, I'm going to bed now. I need to study after fajr. Oh, the thought of falsafe makes me cry.

Back to the hawza life.

It's weird writing my blog from my new touch screen phone. I had to finally say goodbye to my physical keypad this summer. My brother said I needed to keep up with technology. And, there weren't any of those models in the market anymore. I must admit, it's not so bad. I can. Actually type faster. Bless auto correct.

I was having one of those episodes today where I was mind boggled by all the studying and assignments that needed to be done for school that I actually started to feel fuzzy in the brain and mentally tired that I decided to leave the world to deal with itself and go to bed. At six. In the evening. Of course, I'm up and awake at eleven in the night now. Didnt think it through. I read surah waqia from my phone and now I don't know what to do. It's lights out in the room. Obviously. I chose a special room this year in the dorms of the hawza that has lights out at 9.00 p.m and everybody has to be in bed by 9.30pm (as scary as that sounds for a person like me, it has actually helped me break my late night habits and go to bed earlier and literally be awake in class in the morning.) And it's really cold outside for me to go to the study room and read something. But that's the thing. I can't get myself to study or read anyhing related to the hawza syllabus these days.

This semester is quite tough. I have mantiq (logic), which I don't like one bit, intro to philosophy (whose teacher speaks in a way I don't understand), shia shanasi (origin of and everything about the Shi'a), Aqaid ( the class I'm sleep in), Fiqhe isteftahiye (fiqh issues that are outside of the tawdhiul masael of four prominent shi'a marajae), history of hadith and nahjul balagha (which i actually enjoy and find rather useful) anddddd wait for it.... mabadi al arabiyyah! That's Nahw 3 So after my violent brush with Sarf, it's mabadi's turn to maim me. I actually like the subject. I even enjoy the subject matter and it's greater purpose and role in my Islamic studies. You could even say that I also have the aptitude for it. But the problem is that- I. Can't. Get. Myself. To. Sit. And. Studyyyy! its an old habit. I can't remember the last time I sat to study mabadi without the urge to get up and eat something interesting every 5 minutes. That's my problem. Lack of focus. And food.

School resumes in two days. We had two weeks off for Muharram. Love Iran for that. Although the roomie says holidays are the worst for studying and that I'll feel better once classes start. Not completely true as each and every one of them teachers gave us a good amount of home work and assignments for the break. I don't get them -.-

I started to read this book Sunan an Nabi by Allamah Seyyid Tabataba'i and I will tell you one thing. If you really want to know what the Prophet of Islam was like, you should read this book. Our minds and intellects are too infected by the dirty politics of the world that is committed to tarnish the real face of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) and sadly even us as Muslims have become targets of it. This book is enough to make you fall I  live with the person and personality of the Prophet (S).

And now, I shall venture out in the cold in my cotton pjs, because I can't be bothered to change just to go to the water cooler outside because it's warm in the room and super cold outside and hence you need two separate genre of clothing for indoors and outdoors, and drink some water and pray to the good Lord to make me go to sleep.

Updating the blog felt nice.
I'll try to rant more often. I do rant a lot on Evernote. It's just too embarrassing to actually post. I want to write about my fourth Muharram in Qom. Inshallah. Till then, Khodahafez :)

A day to be happy

One of the things said in the lecture today on the occassion of the birthday of the best man after the Prophet (S) to walk this earth, Amir Al Mumineen, Ali ibn abi Talib, was what a shi'a does on occassions of the happiness of the Ahlulbayt (s.a).

"He is happy. Even if there is grief and sadness in his heart, on that (happy) day, he erases its traces from his face and smiles for the sake of Ahlulbayt. It is a day to be happy."

Wishing all believers and especially the true lovers of Amir al Mumineen, the only man to be born in the ka'bah and die in a mosque in prayer, a blessed Eid!
:)
I wish I were near you, my master...

I mean it

"I feel like you're mine.
I love you."

I love the haram. And I love Sayyida (Fatimah al Masoomah (s.a)). It took three years for me to say that, and mean it. Three years passed by and it feels like I had only once just blinked my eyes. And now, after having opened them, I see differently. The haram is more colorful, more pure, more serene, more calming and restful. And Sayyida... She's been the same of course. But I feel her existence more vividly. Feels like I know her now. Or she knows me. Not because of the eventual familiarity with that place or frequent visitations. But because of acceptance.

Sometimes just as you lift the curtain and see her shrine, tears flow. Sometimes, nothing happens and eventually tears flow. And sometimes you lower your head and say 'as salaam alaikum', wait at the door, and just smile. A real smile. Because you know, with conviction, that she's smiling back at you.

Library love

I need to have more days at the library. I feel libraries are very positively energied places. Especially our library. Imagine just rows and rows of amazing, mind boggling volumes of books. I'm going to start going everyday inshallah to study and complete my research assignments. I have a mid term exam in two days and I haven't started studying for that. Yesterday I spent so much time at the library just reading. Was so good. And today I didn't study at all. Coz I had to go out and came back WALKING! Because I realised right after buying juice and cheese from a shop that I spent all the money I was carrying- which included cab money. Yeah. A twenty minute walk right in the 1pm sun. I did stop by two monto shops to look at some montos though. I came back and just slept.

So. The library. I want to visit more often. You know that feeling when your body wants something else but your soul wants something else? I was having that today. My body wanted to just rest while my mind was thinking about that ayah whose tafsir I wanted to look up. In the end, my body triumphed and I slept. But tomorrow inshallah I shall go to the library. So excited about my research assignments! Ima start studying at 3pm until 7pm when it closes. And at 7.15pm go for the free swim session at the gym. Reading and swimming. My two favorite things in the world. Looking at all those books just inspires you so much and makes you believe there is so much to do in life. So much to achieve. Makes you realise the purpose you actually joined the hawza for.

I'm behind on my nahw which makes me unhappy :( there are a few topics I don't like at all. Simply because they don't make any sense to me no matter how many times I go over it they don't seem important and I wonder why it has to even be there in the book. I have trouble solving the exercises coz all of it is in arabic and you need to know the meaning of a sentence to actually solve it and my arabic is crap. Hmphh. I need to buy a small handy night lamp so I can put it on at night and read up on my class work on my bed when I don't feel like sitting in the salon and studying. I can't believe I have back problems so early on in life. It started surprisingly severly enough this past few weeks. I'm waiting to go back home and have it checked. So I can't sit without leaning onto something. Inshallah khayr.

I'm going to put on my phone's flash light and read for my exam. Goodnight :)
Xx

Annoying people

Annoying girl 1- So, I stopped going to my swimming classes. Not happy about it. I developed a skin allergy I don't know from the chlorine in the water or the recent lack of hygiene in the pool. So this girl in my class from khabgah asks me,'Why don't you come to class anymore?' accusingly. I tell her i've got a skin allergy. She responds, 'Really? Show me!' like honestly, i'm going to show you my rashes just so it would satisfy your curiosity of whether or not i'm making an excuse for not coming to swim class.

I'll be honest. The skin allergy wasn't the ONLY reason why I quit. The other girls from the class were a bunch of annoying Iranian college students. Which, apparently, is very cool in the Iranian world. And the timings for the class were when ALL the iranian people decided to come to swim. So the pool wasn't empty how I like it. Plus, I really didn't wish to see old n***d Iranian women in the showers. Seriously. So it was a combination of all these factors plus my really demoralized spirit at that point of time which made me fed up of everything. Literally everything. And I quit my swim class. I will now just go to the pool on my own and practise whatever i've learned till now. I don't intend to be an expert swimmer in life. Heck, I would love to if I had the chance! But its just a bit hectic with all the hawza studies thrown in. I wish I could take a semester off and only concentrate on sports. That would be amazing. I played volleyball today. I suck at it. Lol. I'm not that bad though.

Annoying girl 2- This arab girl in my class. So I bring my spongenbob mug to class cuz I want to buy tea from the furushgah downstairs during the break. I'm sitting in class besides her sipping my tea and she stares at my mug and says very slowly and condescendingly, 'Howwwww can you eeeeeeven buy such things!' I look at her gingerly and ask why. She says 'Go and research what this spongebob sqaurepants is all about. It is only meant to brainwash children. I ask her to tell me how. She's like, 'I don't know. But you should go research!!'

Are you freakin' kidding me? ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME, WOMAN! People need to just let me and my spongebob mug be. -.-
(I also have a spongebob squarepants pillow, if that helps tick her off further.)

Other annoying women- This is an iranian thing. When random, well meaning, older, curious iranian women quiz me about my family- if I was Muslim from before, and what my REAL name is- they also throw in a mandatory 'How many siblings do you have' query.

When I tell then I just have one older brother, they gasp and faint in astonishment and lower their heads and nod in disappointment. 'Why didn't your mother have more kids!?' is often their follow up question. 'I don't know. Maybe she didn't want to.' They look scandalized and sad. I try to be nice and tell them it's actually okay and that I think it is important to concentrate on quality rather than quantity and that maybe if my mother had had more children, God knows how they might have turned out. This is unacceptable for them. 'Well, they raised a lovely girl like you! (They could have raised more like you.)' is their flattering reply. I tell them there are many examples of Muslim women giving birth to half a dozen children and can't ensure their good upbringing and they just turn out to be troublesome creatures for the society ruining the Muslim image altogether. This is also unacceptable for them. (I don't know why I continue to defend my parents' choice instead of just telling them to mind their own business.) I still try.. 'It's actually fine. I love my brother and we're very close.' They ask with a lot of emotion, 'Don't you wish you had another little sister/brother?' 'Pfft. No!' is my prompt reaction. They still look sad and I decide to leave them to themselves. One of them, said to me while ending the topic, 'Well, you're a hawza student. YOU should definitely have more kids!' A little exasperated and offended, I tell them, 'Well, I don't know if i'll even have any.' Their expression is epic.

Annoying gross, disgusting, creepy, honey seller-
This guy is by far the most atrociously annoying person i've met lately. There's this bazar which isn't too famous for its kind shop keepers. I enter a natural honey shop and tell the guy i'm looking for some normal good honey. He shows me a variety and I pick one when then the customary 'Where are you from' follows. I tell him India. On hearing this, he starts to recite some love poetry he learnt in Hindi, which I don't understand because his accent is crap. I'm giving him my best disinterested look.
This does not deter him and he goes on to tell me how he's a single man looking for an Indian wife. He looks and smiles at me. I almost throw up in my mouth. I tell him i'm in a hurry. He picks a paper and says 'I'll write my whatsapp number for you! Here you go' and puts it in the bag along with the honey. I just stand there dumb founded. I was disgusted to the core. Here's this creepy-looking, clean-shaven, Arab guy old enough to be my father looking for a cheap affair. And he gives ME his number.

Great -.-

Make it right

Explain to me how the price of flight tickets almost double in just TWO WEEKS! Why don't we live in a free and fair world where for once things just run fair and honest. You'll be like.. It's the stock market. Or some other abstract, incomprehensible economic phenomenon which might not make sense- even in theory. Truth is we are being controlled by a system we don't even wanna learn about. A system that feeds on power and corruption. One that knows about peoples' weaknesses and takes advantage of that. And we, the ones they prey on, are too weak and helpless to do anything about it. And you need to be rich and powerful to even want to start to beat them. Fact is stranger than fiction.

I can't wait to see justice and freedom restored in the world. And if we are lucky enough to live to see it, I assure you we will be so surprised. Because we don't even know what a just world ever looked like.