Quirky relatives 1

We all have those peculiar and special variety of relatives. Here is mine. Its funny when you're away from home you miss even the most annoying but cute set of them.

Paternal uncle 1- Always gave me and my brother a 500 rupees note for eidi since we were kids. And bought a big family pack of ice cream and cold drink for eid lunch. Personally designed the interiors of my room.

Paternal uncle 1's wife- Spent one christmas at her place decorating the christmas tree and making christmas sweets. As I grew older, had talks about the common prophets in Christianity and Islam with her. Asked me if my dad forced me into wearing hijab and whether they taught us how to become terrorists in the 'madressa.'- Respectfully, of course.

Cousin 1- Always handwrote our eidi envelope with funny faces, flowers and our nicknames in elaborate handwriting.
Cousin 2- Always played along as if he was part of the envelope designing. He wasn't.

Paternal uncle 2- Never seen him for years. Never made it to my brother's wedding. I didn't care less. And pretended I wasn't hurt by that.

Paternal uncle 2's wife and cousins 3 and 4- Never seen any of them either. Genuinely couldn't care less.

Paternal aunt- Shares new discoveries in science with us. Obsesses over illnesses. Once I was lying in my room coz I had a slight headache. She went and informed everybody at home how i've become so ill. They all came to my room with food very concerned. Lol. Adorable.

Paternal aunt's husband- Remembers every little thing about our childhood and narrates all the funny things I used to do as a kid whenever I visited them during the summer. Very interested in gardening and grows his own chillies and tomatoes and insists his wife take a freshly grown tiny tomato for me when she visits us.

Paternal aunt and his husband do not have any kids. Hence their excessive interest in me and my brother.

Will write about the maternal part of the family in the next post :)

The wall

The heart burner is that people don't live but only exist. Roam about without a purpose or a reason to live. Don't realize that they're being consumed from the inside, stealthily, slowly, deceitfully. Don't wake up in the morning with a mission to accomplish. People sit around themselves engaging in idle chatter and act like life is just plain fun and gossip. Or in brighter days, attend a majlis or a lecture, or go for ziyarat, and then go back to where they started from after its done. Like animals they wake and sleep and pass their time. As if the Imam of the time is just someone who fills their text book at the hawza or the content of a lecture given by a sheikh. Or even more obscure than that.

Who knows the blues better than me; but you need to get yourself to snap out of it. If you're lucky enough, God will provide a ziyarat of Imam Reza for you to realize what you live for. Why you are ready to spend every moment of your life in restlessness. For him. For your Imam. Because you love him to the core and that you don't find people like him around. Fact is, people have given up the faintest hope of trying to be like him. Imam Reza should change the direction of your entire life. Imam Reza should make you realize that you, yes you little hapless creature so lowly and downtrodden, are still dear to him because he hopes in you that you should become better and live your life in a more human way than that little gazelle he saved from that hunter. That is my problem- the people around don't think they can be any better and the ones with a mind as clear as crystal are either all dead or live in a world I cannot be a part of.

That wall that exits seperating you from your salvation.. it needs to be broken down. Till when are we going to worship ourselves? And that wall is nothing but this mean, and deceitful world, which first allures you to it, then addicts you to it. And after having done that, bleeds your heart out.

The heart that was meant to be the house of Allah is now the dwelling place of Shaitan...

This week..and life in general

This week was such an overkill. I'm glad it's almost over. Omg i'm going to die in nahw now. Which is the next class. I didn't do tamreen all week. She probably doesn't like that but isn't too strict/ or is too nice to bother us about it. Good but guilt riddening. Guilt riddening? The last two classes were like -.- had a silly test in the first one. I didn't have breakfast. In this ten minute break between classes I should probably do a bit of my homework. But i'm not doing that, am i? We have nobatkari umoomi tomorrow and the day after. It's the major spring cleaning. And I hate being masoole nobatkari. I just wanna be a lay person doing nothing in khabgah. Which isn't possible. I hate being tired. I haven't got to enjoy a weekend since long. I'm glad this week is almost over. Enjoying a weekend would mean sitting lazily with a book with ready meals served for me. But instead i've been running around places the last two weekends. I'm just not going to be nice to people anymore and agree to their requests. I bought a dress. I have mixed feelings about it coz it's not like the ones i've bought till now. I feel like i'll have verses of qur'an encompass the top panel of the walls of my house. I would like that. The way they encompass the top of the buildings of khabgah. In good calligraphy. It's beautiful. I feel like english is such an unauthentic language. Kind of devoid of emotion. But thats not true. Old classic novels of the 19th century are anything devoid of emotion and love. My newest favorite is Charlotte Bronte. Wow. I mean if you haven't read Jane Eyre. It's not like one of those "must read before you die" books. It's just literally beautiful. I'm a sucker for quality writing. Sahifa Sajjadiya by Imam Zaynul Abidin (a.s) has my undivided love for the "must read before you die" book. Seriously. I actually feel bad for the other schools of thoughts in Islam who are mahrum of this treasured book because of certain prejudice. It's a pity. You can't understand love between humans until you understand the love between God and the humans. So. I feel like everything old and archaic is good. Like old english. And farsi. What I meant earlier when I said I feel like english is such an emotionless language, I meant the english of today. Rather the way people use it. Because i've got myself used to speaking in farsi and using those beautiful farsi idioms, phrases and words which are irreplaceable by english. So. Yeah. I'm a little annoyed by some people in khabgah right now. And i'm also annoyed by the fact that I can't update my blog when I want to because the blogger app is acting up on my phone. So yeah. This week was an overkill, like I mentioned earlier. The last week was like that too. Mostly because of the load of class work and assignments and not getting around completing those really caused dissatisfaction. Also, people act really childish around these days. Yeah. I'm going to start swimming everyday starting from tomorrow. I like my classes this term alhamdulillah. I like all my teachers too. And I even like nahw lol. It's just tiring. A full timetable and a lot of books to study. Also. I need to do something. Fatimiyyeh is round the corner. So much to do. Life...is too short.

The coming of age

I recently celebrated my twenty-something birthday. It was a rather eventful one, surprisingly. I was surprised with a cake three times during the day. I screamed with joy each time. And I have another 'surprise' coming my way tomorrow. My friend told me over the phone 'Be ready at so-and-so time. We're going somewhere.' 'Where?' I asked. 'God knows.' she says. It pains the heart to have friends like these. Because they will not be around me forever. Each from a different country, will set her own way in a blink of an eye. Life.

But lets talk about my birthday. I was dreading it. Like. Seriously dreading the drawing close of my birthday. It appeared to me as a most horrid day invented by mankind. Birthdays. Seriously. Whoever wanted to be reminded that they're getting older every year. Although a day or two before my birthday I was mentally prepared for it, it really only hit me on my birthday while I was swimming- I was awesome. Lol. Keeping aside all the riya, I meant that my life was awesome. Alhamdulillah. Life was full of blessings. The unhappiness only came about as a result of not knowing how to use those blessings and let them waste away. That was the only reason that made a person sad or unfulfilled.

If we all used our capacities to the fullest (or as close to it), we would not grieve. I mean think about it. I am in Qom. In the best place I could be. Why? Because I could make use of the treasures of knowledge this place has to offer. Hidden treasures. One might think that they can't seem to study anything useful here. But you need patience. And perseverance. If you submit your will to Allah, and pass his test and show yourself worthy of being in Qom, he will open His doors of knowledge and wisdom to you. It is upto you when you want these doors to be opened. God is pure love. And he loves those who sacrifice for Him- sacrifice their time, their sleep, their comfort, their beauty. "The spiritual way ruins the body. And after having ruined it, restores it to prosperity." - Maulavi (Rumi)

But yet, it's not just about the knowledge. For anybody can read books, no matter how obscure or esoteric they might be. It's about the heart. Are you able to sell your heart, and everything within it for God? That is what you need to truly strive for when you have set your path for Qom. And truth is- that is what it really boils down to in the end. Of course, you could do this at any place in the world if you wanted to. But a land that is blessed by the presence of an infallible (ma'sum) quickens up that process unimaginably. If you want it to. That is the important condition. Qom can be great for those who are grateful. But God is intense in His mercy. He even turns the ungrateful to be grateful.

The problem is- we want a truckload of things from God- both material and spiritual. But we aren't ready to GIVE anything to God. We only wish to receive. We wish to scale heights in knowledge and spirituality while keeping our nafs, our desires and our priorities at the top uncompromisable positions. We are not God's servants. 'Ubudiyyah'- true servitude- is the last thing set in our hearts. I was made to give a small speech in my room after the party/gathering for my birthday. The last thing that I said was, 'If we all were to strive for one thing here, let us strive to overcome our nafs; in real, practical and visible ways.' The central part about learning and 'gaining' knowledge is not about gaining. It's about giving. Giving to and for the sake of God.

The bottom line is- If you give your life to God, He will give you an eternity with Him.

ـ رسولُ اللهِ‏ِ (صَلَّيَ اللهُ عَلَيهِ وَ آلِهِ) : العُلَماءُ كُلُّهُم هَلْكى إلّا العامِلينَ ، والعامِلونَ كُلُّهُم هَلْكى إلّا المُخْلِصينَ، والمُخْلِصونَ على خَطَرٍ.

The Prophet (SAWA) said, ‘The men of knowledge will all be ruined except those who acted [upon their knowledge], and those who act will all be ruined except for the sincere ones from among them, and the sincere ones are significant indeed.’

[Tanbih al-Khawatir, v. 2, p. 118]

ـ عن المُفَضّلِ بن صالح : قالُ الإمامُ الصّادقُ (عَلَيهِ الّسَلامُ) : إنَّ للّه‏ِ عِبادا عامَلوهُ بخالِصٍ مِن سِرِّهِ ، فعامَلَهُم بخالِصٍ مِن بِرِّهِ ، فهُمُ الّذينَ تَمُرُّ صُحُفُهُم يَومَ القِيامَةِ فُرَّغاً ، وَإذا وَقَفوا بَينَ يدَيهِ تعالى مَلأها مِن سِرِّ ما أسَرُّوا إلَيهِ . فقلتُ : يا مَولاي ، ولِمَ ذلكَ؟ فقالَ : أجَلَّهُم أنْ تَطَّلِعَ الحَفَظَةُ على ما بَينَهُ وبَينَهُم.

Imam al-Sadiq (AS) said to Mufadhaal b. Salih,

‘Verily Allah has servants who sincerely engage in transaction with Him in secrecy, so Allah gives them from His pure reward and goodness, for they are the ones who will come on the Day of Resurrection with their book of deeds empty, and when they stand in front of Allah, their books will be filled with the secrets that they had with Him’. [Mufadhal narrates], I asked, ‘O my master, why will their books be empty?’ The Imam replied, ‘Allah holds them in such high regard that He does not even want the guardian angels to be aware of what is between Him and them.’

[`Uddat al-Da`ai, p. 194]

Moot point

Gaining knowledge without having purified (or being in a state of purifying) your nafs and heart is pretty much useless. I mean, what do you want to do with all those fiqh, falsafeh and aqaid laws in your head when your heart is filled with dirty and baseless evil feelings towards others!?

ـ الإمامُ الصّادقُ (عَلَيهِ الّسَلامُ): مَوضِعُ العَقلِ الدِّماغُ، والقَسوَةُ والرِّقَّةُ في القلبِ .

Imam al-Sadiq (AS) said, ‘The place of the intellect is the brain, and the place of cruelty and softness is in the heart.’

[Tuhaf al-`Uqoul, p. 371]

Hello snow

So. I've been feeling real good after coming back from Mashhad :) Special. Alhamdulillah. So today morning was interesting. It's been constantly snowing since yesterday and when I woke up this morning, it was still snowing. And there was snow everywhere, especially slushy ice on the floors. I was decided. I wasn't going to class today. Btw, classes just started yesterday. Yay. They look good alhamdulillah. Especially adyaan (Present religions in the world.) I just don't like this one class. I mean the classmates. Just one actually. I'll have to suck it up this term especially coz i've got a good timetable. Inshallah hope for the best. So, yeah I wasn't going to class today because I was scared I would slip and fall on the slushy ice on the way to class and break something in my body. I fall a lot. Since I was a kid. And i've been down with a throat infection since the last two days and that really hurts. Of course, skipping class on the second day of the semester wasn't the ideal way of starting it. And then- the surprise. All classes were cancelled due to the snow. I mean. I was elated. So was everybody else. In my almost three years here, I have never once witnessed classes being called off. Ever. Of course practically speaking, I knew a lot of the teachers wouldn't show up coz of the snow. But who knows. I have known Iranian hawza teachers to come to class even when they're on their death bed breathing their last. Figuratively. So. Allah be praised.

Hmm. So, i've been missing two of my friends who left khabgah a great deal lately. I think my life would have been much better if they were around. They're the kind I can take for granted and they wouldn't mind. Sigh. I talk to them everyday though. Still. I also miss my mom and brother a lot. They are the other two people who completely and fully understand me and tell me off about every single bad thing in me and I don't mind it haha. Because they're family, you know. I miss them. Sigh.

What else? Yeah, so my throat's really been bugging me. I need to do my laundry. And our floor's washing machine just broke. Ok, before I run out of all decent clothes to wear at school I should go hunt for the masool of the second floor's washing machine and get my laundry done. I need to go buy this semester's books. In the snow. Ok I should get up and get my work done now. Wow I really slept in today.

An hour later-
I'm back. I bought the books for the semester. And the washing machine is fixed. Woot. My throat's not getting any better though. I had lemon tea with black pepper. Spicy red potatoes. That's what I feel like having right now. Stuff that's destructive for my throat.

3 days later-
It is still snowing -.-
School has been closed ever since it started snowing. My estrogen levels are surging and i'm not the best person lately. Go away.

Golden dome

I was standing facing Imam Reza's zarih with a tasbih in my hand. An old Iranian woman walks towards me from the zarih with moist eyes, looks at my tasbih and asks 'Tasbih az karbalaeh?' (Is the tasbih from Karbala?) I say yes. She takes the tasbih in her hands with a lot of emotion, rubs it over her eyes and cheeks, kisses it, then very respectfully hands it back to me saying 'Har waght ke rafti baray manam dua kon.' (Whenever you visit there pray for me too.) And walks away.

That was a feeling.