Ta dum da dum

Yea, sometimes I just can't think of an appropriate title, ya know. There were some guests coming over today. So I was wearing this new dust coloured african style maxi dress. Then I threw in another sand coloured pashmina shayla over my head. My brother looked at me incredulously and asked condescendingly "Are you wearing that? You look like a rag picker." I ignored him and he had to tell it to me again. Then I threw a fit and my mom told him why he has to use such harsh words for me to which he replied- "Because I know her. Unless I don't tell her something like that, she won't act!"

That was true, i'll admit. Very true. I've maintained that in order for me to do something I need constant motivation, inspiration, and pushing. I'm just a chilled spirit, I guess. Then he felt bad about what he said and helped me iron some other clothes that I took out to wear. He's nice. In his own way. Omg, I said that. And what made me change my clothes was the fact that he said that colour didn't suit me at all. I'm a lil sensitive with reagrds to colours. I didn't look like a rag picker. It's called grunge, okay! Which I think I am kinda i-don't-care cool enough to pull off. Just not pretty enough, though. I think there's a minimum level of prettiness you need to pull off grunge. Also, i'm too much of a girl. I like to dress girly and colourful always which means that if i'm wearing something depressing something's wrong. Or i'm behind on the laundry. Which I don't need to worry about since i'm home. Yay.

So, what I meant to point out was that I constantly need motivation and inspiration in life in order to do something productive and uselful. So I was watching Nakhswani's Ramadan lectures on youtube last night. He's done with like 11 lectures and I hadn't watched any. I was bored, tbh. I mean, in the first lecture he pointed out questions he was going to address the following nights. I actually already knew the answers and discussions concerning most of them thanks to the Uloome Qur'an class I took last to last semester. I skipped to the 5th lecture and I was still bored. Until he got angry at the audience and pointed fingers at this one and that one. I admire him for his 'ilm man, I do. But. But. But. Hala, begzarim.

So tonight I watched something more intersting. Head to head with Mehdi Hasan and Irfan Manji. Wasn't half bad. I really liked that guy and I also liked the way Irfan Manji spoke with so much confidence and passion. I mean I wish our aalims believed in what they did like she did. But her arguments only seemed very well phrased. That's it. She left too many loopholes and didn't really address the questions that were put forward. I just felt like...everything that's there in her head- her beliefs don't synchronise together seamlessly. There were missing links. Like, so much mess she needed to clear for herself. Others might see a very well balanced picture of her. But as objectively as I tried to look at it, it didn't work for me. Sorry. Still, I really admired her spirit. Learnt a lot, MashaAllah. Aw I love when I learn something new (:

I'm just gonna sleep now dude. I wake up so late in the morning everyday. That's coz I can't sleep in the night. I'm having happy days since two days. Alhamdulillah. Except, I heard the most saddest news today about my friend. My heart died a little. But i'm fine now although she's probably having the worst night of her life. Her world taken for her. But i'm not sad anymore. I don't even know what to make out of the human mind and heart. We can only appreciate exterior pain for a while and then we move on as if nothing happened. Ah, I guess we're just made that way. Can't break my head over deciphering it's reality. Perhaps that's the problem for my misery. I keep searching for answers and solutions and ways to fix things and people. Perhaps some things need to remain broken. Only Allah know.

Shabbe khair!